You Lose
by Masquerading with Shadows
Summary: Say the word flaw to her. Go on. I dare you. Carly-centric.


**I.**

_Like mother like daughter. _

**II.**

Carly befriends Freddie Benson when she's twelve years old and he moves into the apartment next to hers. She comes to introduce herself with tears in her eyes and her cheeks slightly flushed from crying, and he still tells her she's very, _very_ pretty. She smiles and he smiles back with love at first sight written all over his face, and she doesn't really mind because he seems nice.

She meets his mother after that. She's wide eyed and over protective, and likes to yell about safety a lot. And for some unknown reason, probably having to do with her not immediately reciprocating Freddie's feelings for her, she happens to hate Carly (and secretly, Carly sort of does as well, because she's not allowed to hate).

Sam meets Freddie next, and it sort of starts to go d o w n hill from there.

**III.**

She's ten when her auntie (on her mother's side) comes to stay with them for a while because daddy's off to run away and fight and Spencer is only twenty three and still running away from law school. Occasionally he'll even come and visit.

Her auntie is only twenty one, even though her mother is quite a bit older than that. Her auntie laughs when Carly points this out, and tells her that Carly's grandfather had something to prove and memories to relive. Carly's auntie is nice and seemingly normal, and that's what Carly appreciates. She's also very pretty, with green eyes and the same hair that both Carly and her mother have, and a slim frame.

After Spencer's been back two weeks and daddy has been back two days, whispers and ghost tears echo around the house. She doesn't see where her auntie goes, and she's able to read the looks on Spencer's and daddy's face well enough to not ask.

Three days later she goes back to school and is determined to show that she really isn't that naïve and stupid.

**IIII.**

She decides to keep Sam around when she's seven because she too has something to prove too and she likes protection (she's always been a little bit of hypocrite). Besides, Sam has blonde hair and blue eyes and she sort of looks like a little china doll Carly had when she was five (and ever so _b_ r _e_ a _k_ a _b_ l _e _).

Carly likes it when Sam tells her the truth (and she's sort of like Sam's own personal diary or psychologist). It reminds her that she has something that becomes her own, when it originally belonged to someone else. Of course, she never tells any of Sam's secrets (or stories, as Sam calls them), but she still likes to know that they're there.

She's quite happy with that, and she hopes Sam is too.

(Tears streak blonde hair and sparkle in an artificial light as red and white fill her vision.)

**V.**

When she was younger, Carly's mother would always play with her hair. She'd braid it and she'd plait it, and she'd make Carly feel very pretty and then they'd both smile. And sometimes, Carly would braid her mother's hair as well. And then Daddy would tell them both how pretty and perfect they were, and Spencer would smile and occasionally even sketch them together.

She knows that Freddie's favourite feature about her is her eyes, and how they're dark and they look kindly and they're entrancing, but ever since she was a little girl, Carly's favourite feature has been her hair. It can shine in the sun light and frame her face, and it's still pretty (isn't it?). But she doesn't really ever play with it. Not anymore.

**VI.**

She's fifteen and a half when she gets her first boyfriend and stops lying to herself for just one moment (she's thinks that she's never been more real).

Griffin steals motorbikes and wears leather jackets and smirks rather than smiles. But she takes him anyway because, she thinks, _this_ is how you get a happy ending (and she'll decide to keep believing in them – for now, at least). So she rides into the sunset, holding on tightly as his motorbike growls and he smirks behind his tinted helmet.

While she should really love Freddie, she can't help but love the thrill she gets from all of this and the broken shards that it leaves in its wake (and oh god, no one really deserves it). And everyone keeps on telling her that it's a trap, that something will snap back and squash her, but she really just doesn't care (and she already knew, anyway).

Finally, they break up, and she sees the pieces fix themselves without her help (and she has the scars to prove it).

**VII.**

Mental illness is sort of like a dirty little secret (or maybe a pretty little lie) to her. Like an unspeakable presence that either affects you or it doesn't, and _god_ienvyyou or _god_ipityyou.

Either way, mental illness isn't pretty and it isn't nice. So she merely ignores the words and the rumours, and carries on with her own life, smiles, and all the while blocks the hushed murmurings from her ears (and secretly, she's digging her light blue and prettily painted nails into her palms).

Oh, and doesn't her hair shine?

**VIII.**

Say the word flaw to her. Go on. I dare you.

**IX.**

(Lights, camera, action!)

She likes attention, she likes acting, she likes fame, and she likes make-up. She loves iCarly as well, and not just because it has her name on it (you remember it, don't you?). At the touch of a button, people can cheer for her. She can do what she likes and people will support her, and all the while her two best friends are right beside her.

She's gotten multiple emails from both her father and his colleagues telling her how funny her (the) show is. She's also gotten some similar phone calls, but only a couple have noticed the fake smile in her voice, and only once did she have to slam the phone down and blink back tears.

She loves it all, but sometimes, she wonders whether Sam and Freddie love it as well.

**X.**

She's seventeen when she sees Freddie and Sam get closest to the thing that people call a happily ever after. And yes, she is sincere when she says she's happy for them, because this is, secretly, what Carly planned all along (and Carly's never been a liar). Carly's always been able to see the chemistry, see how they always seem to fall into place with each other (aren't we all just living up to stereotypes?), and she's always been able to see them together.

She just hopes that they don't break their already fragile hearts.

(I kissed and I fell.)

**XI.**

She's eighteen when she gets a second chance to runaway from the past. She becomes a fashion intern because she wants a starting point in life, but all the while she considers a career in acting, or maybe even singing (her Mummy would sing her lullabies every night), but she sticks with the fashion internship because she likes it, and she's become used to it. So she eventually moves away from Seattle to go to New York.

Bright city lights and eternal sky scrapers are all very, very pretty and hypnotic things, and her eyes swirl and glaze, as her cherry pink lips turn up in a bright smile. And, she thinks, delusional happiness is close enough.

**XI.**

(In 5, 4 3, 2!)

She's nineteen when she gets a phone call that changes her life and shatters her little fairytale forever. Really, she scolds, she should've stopped believing in fairytales an age ago. She's an adult now anyway.

She goes home in that same week because she's stressed and she needs a break. Her father and her auntie are there as well, and as soon as she's stepped through the doorway, they've enveloped her in a hug and are offering their support as tears fight their way to the back of her eyes (well someone's r e c o v e r e d ).

But in actual fact, she has to do more work. Apparently, she's the only one that can cook, stand by and watch everyone eat, and guard the bathroom ( r e l a p s e). But it's family and it's a bad time, and the bathroom isn't really that bad anyway.

(Here's a little secret. Blood shines and it glimmers and it sparkles. And it's very, very pretty.)

**XIII.**

Manic depression has fifteen letters in it all together. Carlotta Noel Shay does not.

Tiffany Mary Shay does.

**XV.**

Suicide isn't always a resolution or an answer, but it's mostly an ending (or at least a response). And cemeteries aren't subject to only two types of weather, pouring rain or beautiful sunshine that makes the air sparkle. It goes through all the weather that the rest of Seattle does.

It just so happens that it's a very mild and slightly cold day, with a couple of not-quite-white clouds littering a blue sky, with four people dressed in black coming walking through rows and rows of gravestones, just to say goodbye - even though the funeral was actually yesterday (hard chairs and decieving tears aren't personal).

Red, yellow, blue and pink flowers lie against green and grey, with clear tears only visible on Carly's and Spencer's cheeks.

(Red, yellow, blue and pink were always her Mum's favourite colours – and only Sam sees the irony.)

**XVI.**

She's not insecure. Not abandoned. Not sad, or traumatised, or depressed. She just likes being in a secure, stable atmosphere.

And she doesn't really kiss Freddie for a reason either (the funeral was four weeks ago, thank you very much). He tastes a little bit like cinnamon toast and milk, and his hands are warm, and his hair smells like soap, and he loves Sam, not Carly. But he pushes her away, she's not really that stable, and her cherry-glossed lips start tremble, and she's starting to get concerned that he'll see her with dirty little mascara tracks on her cheeks.

Or worse. She'll turn around and see him running away, a secret on his tongue and the memory of their friendship being lodged deep into his mind. Or maybe, he'll tell Sam, and they'll all stop being friends, and Carly will feel a little shard of regret pierce her heart and she'll c h o k e on her own b l o o d.

(Aren't we getting a little melodramatic, Carly? Oh that's right, you've always been an actress.)

But instead, he holds her in his arms as her knees give out, and she starts to cry (she's never been scared of crying, because her tears have always been _real_) onto his shoulder, and she doesn't have to look him in the eye if he has a blurred face.

And she then realises that Freddie's the only male figure in her life that hasn't run away (but he's also not family). She cries harder when she thinks of blonde hair and cold eyes and a little smile.

**XVII.**

She tells Sam about the kiss because she's a horrible liar, a brilliant actress, and a rather weak girl. And of course, Sam doesn't really do anything, and Carly can't really say that she's not surprised and not a little bit upset.

**XVIII.**

She goes h o m e one day to find her auntie crying on the couch with Spencer trying to comfort her and yells and screams echoing the apartment (ghosts have always haunted her). And Spencer looks a little bit like he's about to break, and her auntie looks like she just has.

She yells at Spencer, looking at him with red rimmed eyes and mascara stained cheeks, and tells him that she just fuckingwellcan'tgoback, and that there are so many goddamn bad memories, and that it all just hurts and she's so sorry, and Carly's mouthing the words 'oh god', and she's screaming the word 'hopelessness' in her head. And it's all just so fucking loud.

But then, Carly becomes Carly again. And she's calm, and she's in control, and she's the one that's trying to fix everything and everyone, and maybe, only just maybe, she's succeeding. And then everyone's calm, and hopefully, everything's better. At least for now.

So Spencer goes off to make another sculpture (and try not to cry), and her auntie manages to wipe all evidence off her cheeks, and she even gives Carly a watery smile. And very slowly, everything that just happened, and the despair, and the memories, all come back to Carly, and she still manages to hold herself together (i'm a scar away from falling apart).

.

Carly goes and makes dinner, and then she watches as three people try to re-enact a happily family. But she just takes a deep breath in, and bites her lip, and makes her way through it. She just hopes it's good enough.

But then, she walks into the bathroom and it's white and it's dark and oh god oh god. She calls Spencer and tries to stop smelling the vomit and the despair, and then the world sort of _falls away_, and then she can only concentrate on loud noises and the red and blue flashes that go with them.

And then her auntie is carried out on a nice, white bed and Carly is getting the urge to wave goodbye like she did to her daddy just two weeks ago.

Bye Bye.

**XIX.**

She's not really a perfectionist. She just really, really loves fairytales (even if she doesn't believe in them) and she wants everything to be like them and to have a happy ending and for everything to just be _better_ (so she can be that little princess they always talked about - even though they said she had blonde hair, not brown). So she tries to make everything better, because no one else needs it to be.

And everything really just ends up hurting so, so badly when it all goes wrong. She hurts people, and they hurt her, and it's all just a new meaning of backlash. Sometimes even the memories hurt, especially when she remembers the sound of daddy's voice reading her a bedtime story, or of her Mummy's hands in her hair, or of Spencer giving her a piggy-back ride when she was only four. The memory of Sam still having chance at innocence hurts, or Freddie with his puppy dog nature and lovesick eyes. Compared to now, with the image of Sam at the funeral with heavy eyes and thin lips, and Freddie, with his serious gaze and rare smile, and Spencer with tears on his face, and her father in a strong uniform looking like a weak old man. All she really wants is to be how it was; after all, she's always been the most childish.

And now everyone's left her, and ohmygod is hurts. Still, she'll just manage a smile for the camera.

(CD's can make a rainbow too.)

**XX.**

Her hair is streaked with watery red that mixes in with cool white on the ground. She feels like she's suffocating, even with each deep breath, the air still seems to suck out of her. It feels like the walls are getting closer and closer, and it's making her dizzy and more light headed than before. She tightens her fist and digs her fingernails into her palms, but it does nothing to clear her mind.

She then realises that she's still holding something in her other hand. She tries to move it, but it drops, and she sees a flash of silver and hears a loud crash that makes her ears rings and her eyes tighten shut. Her head hurts, and she brings her hands up to cradle it, smearing her hair with more blood, and uses up all her strength as she rocks back and forth, trying to give comfort to herself.

She doesn't know how long she's been like this. Time seems to blur and stop at the same time, and she can't really bring herself to look at the watch on her wrist. Because then she'd see all the little lies, all the little things that shouldn't really exist except in her memories and her dreams (the monsters always come out to play in the night), and all her little sins that are never forgiven, never get healed.

Her Mummy's favourite colour was always red, even though she liked it with all her other favourite colours the most (Oh, _now_ you see the irony? What a good little girl. And what do good little girls do? They stay_ silent_). Mummy can still make her smile, even if she's not there anymore.

(She decides to play a little game. And won't you prettypleasewithsugarontop be her pawn?)

Tightened grips on cold doorhandles, unmasked secrets, re-emerging mistakes, and glassy eyes fill her vision (and maybe she was just looking into the mirror all along). And then she can hear Spencer, and maybe even SamandFreddie, and she already knows what's coming.

She broke a promise. She's truly and really very, very sorry.

**XI.**

She let everyone believe the promise that she'd always be there, or maybe that was just always a lie. She herself never said anything. But still, she may have broken that promise anyway.

But she broke her own promise, the one that was never written down on paper and the one that was still ever so hard to measure. She's not sure whether she broke that, if she did what she was told. She's still deciding.

(She promises to never, ever become like her Mummy. Not ever.)

* * *

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly. Reference to 'The (After) life of the party' by Fall Out Boy. **

* * *

**PM me or review if there is anything you don't understand, don't like or like. Also like to point out that Carly isn't the one with manic depression, though she probably does have some kind of depression. One other thing: Carly's father is working all the way through out this, so that's why he's not really there that much. **


End file.
